The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo
by Kaori
Summary: Naruto buys a home voodoo kit. Kiba gets roped into the plot when Naruto asks for his help. What kind of trouble will they cause? Read and see! The rabbit hole of depravity grows ever deeper! First in the series
1. Chapter 1

Got the idea for this fanfic from the "Voodeedoo" Foamy Flash movie. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, lawyers rack off.

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

Inuzuka Kiba was giving Akamaru a bath when he was suddenly bowled over by a very excited (not like that you hentai! If you're good maybe later..) Uzumaki Naruto.

"What the hell! Naruto!" Kiba screamed appropriately (I defy you to tell me that screaming "what the hell" is inappropriate when you've been knocked over for seemingly no reason.).

"Kiba Kiba Kiba! Look what I got!" Naruto was chortling evilly and waving a box around like a magician on crack.

"What could possibly be so great that you had to knock me down for it?" the dog-user growled and suddenly found himself with an eyeful of box. "What the hell is this?" he grabbed it from the blonde. The label read: "Home Voodoo Kit: For all your revenge needs." He gave Naruto a quizzical look. "You actually paid for this?"

"I didn't steal it if that's what you mean."

"I didn't say anything like that it's just… never mind. Who the hell were you going to use it on anyway?"

"Sasuke." Was the automatic response. "But first I want to test it out and see if it really works so I was wondering if you wanted to help me."

Kiba thought about it. On the one hand, Naruto was asking for his help in messing with Sasuke. While he agreed that the Uchiha could stand to be taken down a peg or two (hundred) if Sasuke ever found out that he was involved he would be screwed (and not in the fun way). On the other hand, if he didn't help Naruto the boy might get it into his head to make him the guinea pig and there was no way in hell he was going to put up with that.

"All right, I'll help. Let me dry Akamaru off and then we can think up a suitable test subject."

Kakashi was unusually bored today. His team hadn't been getting any missions lately and Tsunade had decided to confiscate all of his Icha Icha Paradise books (Oh the humanity!) So now he was sitting on a bench near the barbecue restaurant thinking up ways to get revenge on the Godaime. He was suddenly brought out of his rumination by the most amusing thing he'd seen in years.

Standing on the wall, clad only in a pair of bright yellow boxer shorts was Asuma's prize student, Shikamaru. Several people had stopped what they were doing to gawk at the sight. As if this wasn't funny enough, he inexplicably began reciting perverted poetry at the top of his lungs.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill so now there's little Franky." Shikamaru stated causingeven morepeople to stop what they were doing and stare even more. "Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt; twas split right up the front. And everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her…" It was then that Iruka, nose bleeding heavily, leapt out of nowhere and clocked him. The young chounin was immediately rendered unconscious much to Kakashi's disappointment.

"Damn, I was hoping to see what that woman over there was going to do to him." He sighed, shrugged, and went back to plotting his revenge.

On a nearby rooftop, Naruto and Kiba were cracking up.

"Great Yondaime…it works!" Kiba laughed, Akamaru making little yipping noises as he shared his master's mirth. "It actually works!" Naruto, tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard, nodded.

"It's like Ino's family jutsu without having to leave your own body!"

"What are you two doing?" someone half asked, half demanded.

There were only two people Naruto and Kiba knew who sounded like that and Naruto knew for a fact that Sasuke was in Practice Area Six right now. Slowly, both boys turned around.

"Well?" Neji inquired again. The two boys and one dog shared a look before Naruto gave his trademark foxy grin.

"Well…" he began to explain.

To be continued? Do you really want me to? Then you must beg, beg like you've never begged before! And when you're tired from all the begging, get some rest…THEN COME BACK AND BEG AGAIN! MWUAHAHAHAAAAAAA!


	2. Chapter 2

You asked for it, and you're gonna get it! It's time for part two of…

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo

By Kaori

"So what do you plan to do?" Naruto asked. He'd just finished telling Neji what he and Kiba had just done. Kiba was looking at the blonde like he'd gone insane, while the Hyuuga seemed pensive.

"Let me be sure I've got this right. You," he pointed at Naruto. "bought a home voodoo kit in order to exact your revenge on Uchiha Sasuke for whatever it is he's done to you. You," he pointed at Kiba. "are his accomplice. The two of you decided to test the kit on Shikamaru which would explain why he was spouting nonsense in his underclothes."

"That's about the size of it."

"One question. Why Shikamaru?"

"Why not?" Naruto shrugged, grinning. "So, are you going to turn us in?" A slow, devious smile made its way across Neji's face.

"Actually, there's something I'd like you to do..."

Team Gai was meeting in their usual training area. Well, actually Gai, Lee, and TenTen were waiting for Neji.

"What is taking him so long?" TenTen wondered aloud. "It's not like Neji to be late."

"That's right!" the ever-enthusiastic Lee agreed. "Although his youthful flames don't burn as bright as mine, he is usually a blazing example of timeliness!"

"Fret not my students! I'm sure he will be here any moment now!" Gai boomed. "You see! There he is now!"

Neji was walking towards them at a sedate pace, casually eyeing his surroundings.

"Neji my rival, why are you so late on this most beautiful day!" Lee demanded. TenTen rubbed her temple in annoyance. Neji shrugged.

"The reason for my lateness is none of your concern. It is a Hyuuga matter and that is all I have to say." Lee of course was not satisfied with this answer and decided that if he could not get Neji to tell him more then he would run six thousand laps around Konoha while carrying Team 8 on his back.

Meanwhile, Kiba and Naruto were trying very hard not to be seen as they snuck around in the undergrowth. "I still can't believe we're doing this." Kiba muttered.

"Ssh!" Naruto hissed. "Do you want Neji to kick your ass if you get caught?"

"What do you mean if _I_ get caught?" Kiba had no doubt that Neji would kick his ass but he resented the implication that his shinobi skills were so mediocre that he'd be caught.

"I'm much better at getting away with stuff than you are. Now shut up and hand me that piece of cloth Neji gave us." Naruto said as he took out the voodoo doll.

The doll itself wasn't much to look at just a simple straw doll with no distinguishing features besides being human-shaped. Kiba handed Naruto a piece of green cloth and the blonde boy wrapped it around the doll.

"All right my students," Gai beamed. "now that Neji is here we can begin ." he suddenly stopped speaking.

"Gai-sensei?" Lee ventured. "Are you feeling all right?"

Gai seemed to snap out of whatever it was and smiled placidly. "I feel fine great! We must go and collect today's mission!" He gave them all a thumbs up and took off running for the Hokage Tower, his team right behind. A few seconds later, Naruto and Kiba followed.

Today was like any other day; clients coming in and out of the tower and the staff rushing about carrying scrolls. Gai scanned the room and nodded absently in approval of the sight. Despite the attack by Oto and Suna, Konoha was still getting a lot of clients. He suddenly spotted Kakashi out of the corner of his eye and immediately bounded over to issue his usual challenge.

"Kakashi my eternal riv-AAAGH!" Gai suddenly tripped and landed face first on the floor. Lee was horrified, TenTen was confused, and Neji was outwardly unperturbed (inside he was chortling). Kakashi, who was still preoccupied with thoughts of revenge, missed the scene entirely (a shame really) and continued on his way.

"Gai-sensei! What happened! Are you all right!" cried Lee. Immediately rushing to his sensei's side.

"I am not sure my fiery student but you needn't be concerned for my health." He got up and did the "nice guy" pose. "See, I'm perfectly OK."

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"LeeAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!" The love-fest that is Gai and Lee hugging was immediately cut short by Gai suddenly being slammed into a nearby wall. Lee was once again horrified but had TenTen for company in this respect. Neji, was glancing at a row of potted plants and trying very hard not to smirk. If he activated his Byakugan right now he was certain he'd see Naruto, Kiba and Akamaru, and their Voodoo Gai.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee wailed and once again rushed to his sensei's side.

"I'm okay." Gai said dazedly. What just happened? First he'd tripped while trying to greet his rival, then he'd been flung into a wall when he was about to hug his oh so youthful student. He suddenly heard a voice in his head.

"Maito Gai."

"Who said that?" Gai asked out loud.

"I did." The voice, replied.

"Oh. And you are?"

"Just a friend."

"I see."

"Gai-sensei?" Lee asked. "Who are you talking to?"

"Just this voice on my head. It's being very vague at the moment." Replied Gai.

TenTen and Lee looked at each other and Neji struggled to contain himself.

"And just how long have you been hearing this voice, Gai-sensei?" TenTen inquired.

"About three minutes now."

"I see. Lee, grab a leg. It's the rest home for you Gai-sensei."

"But TenTen-san, is that really necessary?" Lee pouted, not wanting to see his beloved teacher carted off to the nut house.

"He's hearing voices Lee." Neji said, inwardly congratulating himself for not snickering. "The rest home will only keep him until he stops hearing them."

"But.but."

While TenTen and Neji tried to convince Lee that having Gai temporarily institutionalised was for his own good, said jounin was discussing taijutsu training and spandex with the voice in his head.

Behind the potted plants, Kiba was holding up the other end of the conversation while Naruto was trying not to laugh too loudly.

".and it's just not right." Kiba spoke to the doll. "You are...ummm.squelching their youth by forcing your views on them. Youth is about freedom! FREEEEDOOOOMMMM!"

"I think...heheheh….that's enough…hmmhmmm….Kiba!" Naruto said putting a hand on his shoulder. "Neji's signalling for us to knock it off."

"Feh, and just when I was really getting into it."

"Shouldn't you be a bit more weirded out that you could hear Gai's thoughts in your head?"

"It's no worse than being weirded out by him in general."

"I see." hummed Naruto. "I'm getting hungry, let's get something to eat."

Who will the Devious Duo voodoo next? Will Kakashi get his revenge? And why am I asking you guys? Stay tuned for more of The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo!


	3. Chapter 3

My, I didn't expect everyone to enjoy this so much… I feel loved. So, I shall thank all you members of the depraved masses with this chapter.

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

Two very familiar figures sat in Ichiraku Ramen examining the contents of the Voodoo Kit after consuming several bowls of ramen.

"Hey, check this out!" Naruto exclaimed. "It's a Home Hypnotism starter set."

"Seriously?" Kiba raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, apparently it comes free with the Home Voodoo Kit." He said, as he continued to rummage through the box. "There's a pendulum and an instruction manual. Eh? What's this?" he took a small bottle out of the box and examined it. "Love Potion #8.5."

"Check the box again, maybe there's a note about it."

Naruto nodded and did just that, very quickly finding the slip of paper concerning the bottle. "Huh. It says here that the person it's used on will fall in love with the first person of the opposite gender they see for twenty-four hours."

"Fall in love for twenty-four hours? What happens after that?"

"Don't know, it doesn't say anything besides that." Naruto blinked and then suddenly grinned evilly. "Oh I just got the most brilliant idea since instant ramen…"

Shizune knocked on the door to the Hokage's office before going in. As usual, the desk was pile high with papers, mostly to hide the person sleeping behind them. The closer she got, the more apparent the snores became. She sighed; _this_ was the great leader of the village?

"Tsunade-sama." She ventured hoping that this time the older woman would wake up without the usual nonsense. Be careful what you wish for…

A loud crash at the window was the only warning either of the women got when a bundle of white and red attached itself to Tsunade.

"KYAAAAA!" the rudely awakened Hokage screamed and judo tossed her "attacker" into a wall.

"Tsunade, my love, you're so energetic." The person cooed as he extracted himself from the impressive hole he'd made. "What a lucky man I am!"

"Jiraiya!" Tsunade screeched. "What is the meaning of this!" Said man was instantly by her side.

"Come now, my love. You cannot deny what is between us…"

Shizune was somehow managing to look amused and appalled at the same time. "Well, this isn't the usual nonsense that's for sure." She thought as Jiraiya was sent through the window this time. "Oh great…that's going to be difficult to fix."

"What has he been smoking?" Tsunade panted, very unnerved by Jiraiya's very odd behavior.

"I am merely high on my love of you, sweet Tsunade."

The Hokage twitched and looked down and to her left to see Jiraiya's head leering at her from her desk drawer.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Ah love." Naruto sighed from the roof. "It is truly a beautiful thing."

"You are a sick man, Naruto." Kiba muttered. Akamaru barked in agreement.

Tsunade ran as fast as she could out of her office and the tower hoping to escape the amorous advances of her former teammate. Jiraiya, who had extracted his upper body from the drawer and leaning casually from the desk watched her with a small smile on his face.

"I see she is in a playful mood today." He commented and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Shizune stood in the office blinking. Perhaps she should take the rest of the day off; some days working under the Hokage was far too strange.

Kakashi was still wandering around when he caught sight of the Hokage running as if her life depended on it. A few seconds later Jiraiya, still declaring his undying love, rushed by hot on her heels. The Copy-nin blinked, then smiled (though it was hard to tell with that mask on). "What do you know, there is justice in this world after all." He said, before nonchalantly going to "liberate" his collection of smut from the Hokage's office.

Will there be more havoc to come? Will Jiraiya catch Tsunade and if he does, will the Hokage give in to his amorous whims? How deep does the rabbit hole of depravity go? If you want it to go further, I suggest you review!


	4. Chapter 4

Crazier than a monkey in a fish bowl it's.

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

If you were to ask Iruka what he would be doing today he probably wouldn't have said "trying to get the Hokage out from under my bed" but that's what he was doing.

He had just finished lecturing Shikamaru about proper chounin conduct and that if he should ever feel the urge to do such things again that the privacy of his own home was far more appropriate than the middle of the village. Shikamaru had only sighed loudly and insisted that he had no idea what Iruka was talking about.

Apparently, the Department of Weird Shit decided that Iruka hadn't been receiving his daily quota since Naruto graduated from the Academy and thought it best to make up for lost time. When he got home, he flopped down on the bed and was greeted by a resounding "Ouch!"

Last time he checked, beds didn't talk. Cautiously, he looked underneath and staring back at him was the Godaime.

"Wha...wha...Hokage-sama!" Iruka shrieked, jumping back a little.

"Sshhh!" she hissed.

"Hokage-sama, _what_ are you doing here!

"What? Hokage's can't visit people?"

Iruka, hearing the somewhat Naruto-ish response relaxed slightly. "Since when has 'visiting' included breaking into a person's house and hiding under their bed?"

"Since this afternoon." Tsunade said, shifty-eyed.

"O...kaayyy."

We'll leave Iruka with his problem for now and seek out Naruto and Kiba who are poring over the voodoo kit's instruction manual.

"Oooh! This one shows you how to make a zombie!" Naruto whistled.

"Forget it, I ain't diggin' up anybody." Kiba huffed. Akamaru whined, strangely disappointed.

"Fine then, what about this one!" he pointed to a section.

"Curses eh?" Kiba read. "This one looks like fun, but can we get away with it?"

"Depends, how do you feel about going back into The Forest of Death?"

"Screw that, I'm not going back in there." His nose twitched and Akamaru suddenly gave a low whine.

"What's wrong?" asked Naruto.

"I smell tanuki." whispered Kiba. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Gaara."

Yes, the depravity has been toned down for this chapter but fret not! It will return!


	5. Chapter 5

What are you looking up here for? The fic is down there!

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

If Gaara had any idea what was going on in Konoha that day he wouldn't have bothered visiting. Luckily for us he didn't so Kiba, Naruto, and the rest of the depraved masses (c'est vous) were about to be very entertained.

Feeling hungry, the sand jinchuuriki decided to go into Ichiraku's for a bowl of ramen. Mistake number one.

Mistake number two came a few minutes after he'd ordered a bowl of beef ramen. Someone had managed to tap him on the shoulder without his sand getting in the way and, of course, he turned around to find out who it was. Directly in his field of vision, was a pocket watch with an odd spiral pattern on it. He stared at it and it started to sway, he followed the motion with his eyes and that was the last thing he remembered before he lost consciousness.

"Heheheh, I guess not sleeping for years makes you susceptible to hypnotism." Naruto half-whispered. Naruto, after getting Gaara into a zombie-like state and eaten his ramen, had ordered Gaara to follow him and the three were now behind the Academy.

"Since when do you know words like 'susceptible'?" Kiba mocked.

"I know a lot of words I just never get the opportunity to use most of them."

"Yeah right. Anyway, now that you have him under your control, what do you plan to do with him?"

"Hmmm…you wouldn't happen to have a dog whistle do you?"

"I have the one I use when I help my sister train dogs, why?"

"Let me have it for a bit." Naruto grinned. Kiba, though sceptical, gave it to him. "Now Gaara, when you hear this sound." He blew the dog whistle. "You will sing. When you hear it again, you will stop singing, understand?" Gaara nodded his head. "Good. Let's try it." Naruto blew the whistle and Gaara started singing; Kiba and Naruto's eyes went wide.

"No...way!"

Two hours later, Kiba and Naruto were standing in the middle of the village where they had set up a makeshift stage. The two boys had changed their appearance (Kiba using a henge technique to turn himself into a sandy-haired boy with hazel eyes, and Naruto using Oiroke no Jutsu to transform into a black-haired girl with green eyes) and were drawing in a crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen we have a rare treat for you today!" Kiba announced. "We present to you, the eighth wonder of the world! A voice so mesmerizing, so haunting, so moving that you will be utterly and totally captivated!"

"We present to you, the Desert Songbird!" Naruto grinned, and threw open the curtain on the stage revealing.

"What the hell! Isn't that that Sand kid? The crazy one from the Chounin exams!" a villager yelled. An uproar went through the crowd. Naruto, seeing the attention was completely on Gaara now, blew the whistle and Gaara started singing.

"I hold your hand in mine, dear," The crowd went silent. "I press it to my lips. / I take a healthy bite / From your dainty fingertips." Never had they heard a voice so rich, so smooth, so full of emotion. "My joy would be complete, dear/ If you were only here/ But still I keep your hand / As a precious souvenir."

Despite the appalling revelation of the last two lines, the crowd was still completely entranced by the sound of Gaara's voice. Kiba and Naruto just smiled and waited.

"The night you died I cut it off. / I really don't know why. / For now each time I kiss it /  
I get bloodstains on my tie. / I'm sorry now I killed you/ For our love was something fine/" Several girls, most of whom were kunoichi from last year's graduating class, sighed. "And till they come to get me / I shall hold your hand in mine." The crowd erupted into applause and started throwing money (well most of them threw money, some young girls in the audience threw their underwear). Kiba immediately began collecting the cash as Naruto blew the whistle a second time and closed the curtain.

After three more performances like that, the two troublemakers decided to call it a day. They sat in Kiba's room counting their money while Gaara stood motionless in the corner.

"Two hundred and sixty-eight.two-hundred and sixty-nine.Hey, Naruto." Kiba started, not taking his eyes of the money.

"What, dog-boy?" Naruto replied absently, also counting money.

"What do we do about him?" he jerked his thumb towards where Gaara was standing.

"I suppose we could send him back to Wind country after we find out what he was doing here in the first place. I'll wake him up." Naruto stood up and walked over to Gaara. "When I count to three you will no longer be under my control and remember nothing of what happened. One.two.three." Naruto snapped his fingers in front of Gaara's face, Gaara's hand immediately clamped down on his wrist. "Ack!" Kiba looked up and blanched at the murderous look in Gaara's eyes.

"Uzumaki Naruto…"Gaara said slowly. "that was somewhat less than funny."

"You…you remember all of that!" Kiba stammered, backing up so that if he had to he could try and jump out of the window.

"No." Gaara said simply. "But Shukaku does and he's filling me in on the details." Naruto whimpered as he felt the sand crawling up his legs.

Outside in the village, people passing near the Inuzuka compound wondered what all the screaming was about.

Elsewhere, Umino Iruka was having problems of his own…

"HOW DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL MY LOVE FROM ME!" bellowed Jiraiya as he chased the hapless chounin.

"I SWEAR IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" cried Iruka, not sure why this was happening to him. "HOKAGE-SAMA, LET GO!"

"NO WAY! HE'LL GET ME!" screamed Tsunade as she clung onto Iruka's chounin vest.

Oh dear, whatever shall become of our heroes? Will Gaara kill Naruto and Kiba? Will Jiraiya kill Iruka? And how much more brouhaha can the village take?

By the way, "I Hold Your Hand in Mine" is by Tom Lehrer. That guy has some really depraved songs…and I love them.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm back with more of…

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

"Hey…" Naruto groaned. "Hey Kiba…are you dead?"

"Unfortunately…" the dog-user grunted. "No. Where's Akamaru? Akamaru!" Said dog gave a muffled bark from where he was buried in sand.

"I should kill you." Gaara drawled causing the other two boys to cringe.

"Come on, Gaara!" whined Naruto. "You've already beaten the crap out of us isn't that enough?"

"Not really."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!"

As fun as it would be to watch Kiba and Naruto get beaten within an inch of their lives, it's beginning to get dark and I think you all would like to find out what has become of poor Iruka before it's too dark to see anything…

"JIRAIYA WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU!" Tsunade yelled. "FOR THE LOVE OF THE YONDAIME PUT IRUKA DOWN!"

Jiraiya was currently standing outside the bathhouse wringing poor Iruka's neck. Tsunade, not wanting to risk getting near Jiraiya with his current infatuation with her, settled for yelling at him from across the street. Iruka, was slowly losing consciousness.

"Tsunade! How can you even think about marrying this…this…" Jirayia sputtered.

"I've been trying to tell you I'm not marrying Iruka!" growled Tsunade.

"Ack…grkkk…" choked Iruka. Fortunately for Iruka, the Fates decided to have pity on the poor chounin as several feminine giggles floated out of the door to the bathhouse. Jiraiya's ears twitched, and he loosened his grip on Iruka just enough for the man to make a run for it.

"Come back here you cowa…" Jiraiya's outraged scream was cut short when he once again heard the sound of women laughing. "No…I love…Tsunade. I must not…" More giggles, a splash of water, and a woman saying "I'm coming out now." Jiraiya noticeably twitched. "No..no…no!" he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. "Tsunade is the only woman for…"

"Michi do you remember where I put my clothes?" a woman asked.

"HOCHA!" cheered Jiraiya, whipping out his notepad and hurrying off to his peeping spot behind the bathhouse. Apparently, perversion is stronger than voodoo.

Tsunade stood there blinking for a moment before getting her wits back, balling her hands into a fist, and heading behind the bathhouse to beat Jiraiya into a bloody pulp.

The next morning found a very battered Naruto and Kiba sprawled out on the floor of Kiba's room. "Note to self," Naruto moaned. "no hypnotizing demon vessels."

"I have sand in places I didn't even know I had." Kiba murmured, wincing as he sat up.

"Gaara's mellowed out a lot though."

"How do you figure that?"

"We're still alive aren't we?" Naruto pointed out. Kiba gave a cynical laugh.

"Yeah, being dead couldn't possibly hurt this much." He looked around. "Um, Naruto… where's the voodoo kit?"

"It's right over…." Naruto started, but then noticed that the voodoo kit wasn't where they had last put it. "WAAGH! IT'S GONE!"

Dear oh dear, where could the voodoo kit have gotten to? Well, you'll have to wait and see.


	7. Chapter 7

Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside…

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

We left off last time with Kiba and Naruto in a panic. The voodoo kit is missing and they have no idea where it could have gone to. Fortunately for us, we are privy to information that they are not, so let's re-wind a bit to the torture-fest a la Gaara…

As you remember, Gaara had spent a significant amount of time beating the shit out of the blonde and the brunette during which time there was sand all over the room. Kiba's gonna have a heck of a time cleaning his room after this…but I digress… Anyway with all that roughhousing going on Gaara's sand had picked up the voodoo kit and consequently, ended up carrying it up until when Gaara got tired of torturing Uzukami and Inuzuka.

So now, the voodoo kit is conveniently lodged in the sand making up Gaara's gourd and on its merry way towards Wind Country.

"Gaara, you're back early." Temari commented as her youngest brother walked through the door.

"Yes." Gaara nodded, shifting a little.

"See anybody we know?"

"Uzumaki Naruto and one of his friends. I think his name is Inuzuka Kiba."

"I see…" Temari hummed.

"We had a…spar." Gaara shifted from foot to foot as he tried to adjust his gourd. For some reason the weight of it seemed off slightly.

"Gaara…are you…fidgeting? You look more uncomfortable than usual." Gaara frowned and his sand started trickling out of the gourd. Temari's eyes widened before she shut them tight. "No! Wait! I didn't mean anything bad by it! I was just worried about you! If I offended you in any way I'm sorry just please don't kill me!"

"What are you talking about?" Gaara asked. Temari very slowly opened her eyes.

Gaara was standing there looking very confused and holding a box; there was sand all over the floor around him.

"Er…never mind… What have you got there?"

"I don't know it was caught up in my sand. I thought something felt off with it…"

"Oh." Temari said half-relieved and half-disappointed (relief because she wasn't going to die yet and disappointment because she got all worked up for nothing). "May I see it?"

"Keep it." Gaara shrugged, handing Temari the box and heading up to his room. Temari looked at it.

"Home Voodoo Kit: For all your revenge needs." She smirked. "Revenge huh…"

Baki was attending a jounin meeting with the stand-in Kazekage. Gaara wouldn't be starting official duty until he had been inducted so for the time being one of the council members was filling in. Suddenly he felt a nerve in his arm twitch but he chose to ignore it.

"Furthermore, you all need to start thinking about the..." the stand-in droned. Baki's leg started twitching and, although more difficult, he ignored that too. Unfortunately, the longer he tried to ignore what was happening to him the worse it seemed to get. "…missions until further notice." The twitching was starting to become somewhat rhythmic and pretty soon…

"What the hell!" the jounin standing next to him exclaimed. Everyone turned to look and jaws dropped.

Baki…was hula dancing. Mortified, Baki tried to stop himself but found that he had no control over his limbs at all. He immediately suspected Kankuro but noticed the distinct lack of chakra strings. What the hell was happening?

Elsewhere, Kankuro was having much the same problem. Unfortunately for him, he was outside of a store when his body decided to have a hula dancing session without his consent. Briefly he wondered if this is what his puppets felt like before trying to stop himself.

In her bedroom, Temari laughed evilly to herself. "Dance puppets! Dance!" She made the voodoo doll do the splits, faintly she heard two screams coming from opposite directions. It had been so easy to get a little bit of Baki and Kankuro's hair and stick it into her doll. Apparently, you can use the same voodoo doll on multiple people simply by placing something that had been in their possession on the doll. However, it meant that both people would be doing the same thing at the same time.

"Temari what are you doing in there!" Gaara's voice filtered through her closed door.

"Leave me alone unless you want me to do it to you!" she yelled back. Silence. She grinned. The first time she had used this threat she had been in the bathroom shaving her legs and Gaara, not feeling threatened in the least by the threat, barged in. Naturally, he was somewhat horrified and Temari did indeed make good on her promise. Ever since then, Temari's youngest brother has been more wary of barging in on his sister whenever he feels like it. Gleefully, Temari continued playing with the doll.

Back to Naruto and Kiba, having given up looking for the original voodoo kit, they decided to buy a new one. This one was a slightly better as it even included a pouch of Medium Grade Zombie Powder.

"It says here that it will make anyone that swallows it your slave for a day." Kiba read the bottle. Naruto got the most evil look on his face Kiba had seen yet; Akamaru ducked down into his master's jacket not liking the look one bit. "What are you planning and how far away do I need to run?"

Who is Naruto planning to use this on? Will it work? I suppose you'll just have to wait and see!


	8. Chapter 8

This is a public service announcement. There will be no dementedness this chapter. Also, I'm a terrible liar.

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

"Come on Kiba! Just a little bit!" Naruto cajoled. Somehow he'd managed to tie Kiba to a chair and was trying to force him to eat some soup.

"No! It'll turn me into a zombie!" Kiba protested, wiggling around much like a toddler who doesn't want to eat his vegetables.

"I only used enough so that you'd be one for five minutes!" whined the blonde.

"Oh gee, thanks. I feel so much better." Muttered Kiba. "Why don't you eat it then!"

"Because I don't trust you."

"Well this isn't giving me any confidence in you, you know!" he paused. "And since when do you know how to cook?"

"I know a lot of things. No hurry up and eat it before it gets cold."

"No way! You can't make me."

Naruto made a face. If Kiba didn't eat the soup he had no way of knowing whether the powder worked. He didn't dare test it on anyone else because then they'd warn everyone and he'd be in all sorts of trouble. Thinking quickly, he stomped on the dog-user's foot.

"AAAAAGG—GULP. NARUTO YOU BASTA…Oh master, what is your bidding?"

Semi-maniacal laughter echoed down to the streets below. The rats in the city sensed that this was a good time to leave. Five minutes later…

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" Kiba screamed; the urge to pummel is strong with this one.

"Why are you complaining? Now we know it works." Naruto said, placidly.

"That's not the point! Why did you make me wear this…this…_thing_!" Kiba was currently dressed in the same kind of spandex suit normally worn by Gai and Lee. "Furthermore _where_ did you get this monstrosity on such short notice!"

"I've had that since Ero-sannin and I went to go bring back the old hag. I had rolled it up and put it in my jacket and I forgot about it until now."

"As soon as I'm finished changing you're a dead man!"

"Whatever, hurry up so we can have some fun."

The authoress would like to point out that at this point she was going to be evil and put a cliff-hanger here but then she saw the lynch mob coming and had a change of heart.

TenTen was enjoying a well-deserved break from visiting the rest home and having to help the orderlies restrain Gai (the voices may have stopped but none of the psychiatrists are convinced that the green-clad jounin is sane).

"OI! TENTEN!" someone called. She looked around and spotted Kiba and Naruto sitting behind a table. There was a banner with the words "LEMONADE: 1 ryou" printed on it hanging from the front. TenTen (poor unsuspecting fool) walked over.

"You guys are selling lemonade?" she asked.

"Yeah, we're raising money for charity." Kiba replied. This was partially true as they were planning to use the money to help Naruto pay off his ramen tab. "Want some?"

"Sure, if its for a good cause."

"Of course it is!" grinned Naruto, pouring her a glass. "One ryou please! Thank you, and enjoy!"

TenTen took a small sip. Finding it to be rather refreshing she drank the rest. "Wow you guys this is really goo…Oh master, what is your bidding?" Naruto resisted the urge to cackle.

"I order you to sit here and sell our lemonade. When the next person asks you what to do you are to tell them that Naruto and Kiba are their masters and to us at Training Ground 9 for further instructions."

"Yes master." Droned zombie TenTen and took Naruto's place at the lemonade stand.

"Come on, Kiba lets go."

"Why are we waiting at the training grounds?" Kiba asked.

"Well, I've gone a whole day without doing any serious training this way we'll have something to do while we wait. Betcha I can destroy more targets than you."

"You're on!"

The duo had been sparring for almost an hour when their first set of zombies showed up.

""Eh! Kurenai-sensei! Shino?" Kbia exclaimed.

"Ino, Sakura, and Ebisu no hentai too." Naruto grinned. "Well Kiba, why don't you start?"

"Okay. Kurenai-sensei make me a sandwich, Shino go get me a chocolate milkshake, and you" he pointed at Ebisu. "carry me, I'm tired."

"Yes master." chorused the zombies (except Shino who didn't say anything). Ebisu picked up Kiba.

"I could get used to this."

A few hours later, Kiba and Naruto were in a room that looked like something from the Arabian Nights. First of all, half the floor was covered in big, fluffy pillows that the two boys and Akamaru were lounging on. At the moment, Ino and TenTen were fanning them, Ebisu was massaging Naruto's feet, Kurenai was holding a comic book open for Kiba while Shino turned the pages, and Sakura was feeding ramen to Naruto. Chouji was standing by the door like some kind of sentry and Konohamaru was videotaping the entire scene. Several girls from the Sasuke Fanclub were bowing before them.

"How much longer until the powder wears off?" asked Naruto.

"I'd say another two hours or so." Kiba replied. "Oi, Shino, turn the page." Shino obeyed.

"So, Sakura-chn, who is the greatest?"

"You are Naruto-sama." Said Sakura.

"And who is the bravest?"

"You are Naruto-sama."

"Who is going to be the greatest Hokage that ever will be?"

"You will Naruto-sama."

"I never get tired of hearing that." Grinned Naruto. "And with Konohamaru taping all this I get to hear you say it over and over again!"

"So, Naruto who will we voodoo tomorrow?" asked Kiba.

"Hmmm…."

I am a very depraved little woman… More to come!


	9. Chapter 9

Necrophilia! (the readers give her a weird look) Just kidding. Now, on to the fanfic…

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

Since team meetings were being held today, Kiba and Naruto didn't get to meet until later that afternoon.

"I have decided to do something about Kakashi." Announced the blonde.

"What do you mean?" Kiba cocked his head to the side.

"It's bad enough that he's always late, but he insists on reading that perverted book instead of training us properly. I'm going to do something about it! Bring me The Voodoo Manual!"

"Umm…Naruto, it's at your place, remember?"

"…I knew that."

Fast forward fifteen minutes and Naruto is eagerly poring over the pages of The Voodoo Manual; namely the section on curses.

"What exactly are you looking for?" Kiba asked, absently petting Akamaru.

"I'm not sure, I'll know it when I see it." Mumbled Naruto. "Eureka!"

"I do not! I just took a bath this morning!"

"I said "Eureka" not "You reek", which you do but that's not the point."

"Hey!"

"What? I can't help it if you insist on wearing a dirty jacket. Now do you want to know what I found or not." Kiba made an of-course-I-want-to-know-but-you're-still-gonna-get-it face. "Look here, this section shows you how to combine curses for extra punishing power!"

"Wait a moment, what's that note at the bottom of the page?"

"Eh? What?"

"That note, right there." Kiba pointed to a small footnote.

"Err… "Warning, do not combine more than two curses at a time. Combining three or more curses together will result in the caster being cursed as well." Oh man…"

It was very difficult but Naruto managed to pick only two curses to use against his chronically late sensei. All that was left was the casting ritual.

"Question, why are we only in our boxer shorts?" Kiba asked, dryly.

"Do you _want_ your clothes to reek of incense and chicken blood?" sighed Naruto.

"No but this is embarrassing, let's do this already before someone comes along and sees us."

According to The Voodoo Manual, curses needed to be performed outdoors and in an open space (mostly to prevent property damage) so our Witch Doctor's went to the old quarry. In order to combine two curses the first curse had to be cast, followed by a binding spell, and then the second curse had to be cast.

"Voodoo doll." Naruto stuck out his hand and Kiba placed the doll in it. He then placed the small effigy of Kakashi with its mouth sewn shut on the rock they were to be using as a makeshift alter. "Incense." He placed two sticks of incense on either side of the doll before lighting them. "All right, first curse, pass me the salt…"

"Here." Said Kiba. Naruto started sprinkling salt on the doll and chanting. "You sound ridiculous."

"Shut up. Oh…crap I lost my place now we have to start over!"

Naruto and Kiba somehow managed to make it through the entire ritual with no more slip ups and were in the process of finishing the second curse. Kiba was pouring chicken blood over the doll while Naruto was chanting and throwing ashes at the altar.

Storm clouds started rolling in (Naruto felt oddly nostalgic, remembering Kakashi's little show during the gennin test) and as Kyuubi-vessel uttered the last word, a bolt of lighting arced out of the heavens and the altar exploded knocking both boys backwards.

The smell of ozone, burnt blood, and smouldering cloth assaulted their noses. Neither one said anything for a few moments.

"Do you think it worked?" Naruto whispered. Kiba didn't respond.

Morning, a brand new day. It was a little cloudy but still nice outside and the village was just waking up.

Kakashi stretched, yawned and glanced out the window. "Ah, another day full of promise and annoying cute gennins." He sighed and then yawned again. "But first…I want a shower."

Team Seven were waiting for their sensei at the bridge as usual and had been doing so for the last hour and twenty minutes. Finally, Kakashi showed up looking somewhat worse for wear.

"You're late!" accused Sakura and Naruto.

"Well you see, I was attacked by this old lady and her massive cat…"

Sakura was about to accuse him of being a liar when out of nowhere an old lady in a muumuu came barrelling towards the bridge followed by a black cat the size of a pit bull. "You won't get away!" she screamed.

Kakashi's eyes went wide and he ran off, the old lady and her cat close behind. Sakura, and Sasuke stared after them in shock and bewilderment. Naruto only looked shocked on the outside. Internally he was doing his own version of the Church Lady Superior Dance in front of Kyuubi's cage (for some strange reason Pearl was playing the organ in the corner). Kyuubi was not amused but it's not like he can do much about it. Anyway, let's follow Kakashi and see what happens to him.

Our little jounin friend had managed to escape the old lady and her cat only to run smack into a ladder. The ladder knocked a potted plant which fell off of the window sill and onto Kakashi's head. Dazed and now with a head full of potting soil, he tried to get an idea of where he was. He looked up at the street sign. Life Road. He blinked. Somebody up there must hate him.

Now for those of you who haven't quite figured it out yet (and I'm guessing it's quite a few of you) Kakashi's lies are coming back to haunt him; literally. There are two curses at work here: a simple bad fortune curse and the Poetic Justice curse. The first just gives the victim an extended run in with misfortunes while the latter makes the punishment fit the crime. Combining the two makes for good entertainment for blonde shinobis and sadistic otaku alike.

At any rate, the old lady and her monster cat were back and chasing Kakashi down the street he was almost positive wasn't there yesterday. Not wanting to know what would happenshould his pursuers manage to catch him, he ran into the closest building he could find and shut the door behind him.

"YEEEEK! PERVERT!" a woman screamed. Kakashi tried to explain himself but was cut off by a lamp to the head followed by a few small appliances and some books. Briefly he caught a glimpse of a woman in a towel before escaping.

The rest of Kakashi's day went exactly the same way: Get chased by old woman and cat, lose them, run into ladder on Life Road, flower pot to the head, old woman and cat round two, run into some woman's bathroom (how he has yet to figure out), get pummelled by household appliances, lather, rinse, repeat.

Up on the Hokage Monument, Naruto and Kiba had a nice view of most of the chaos they had wrought.

"So, how long does this last again?" Kiba asked. They were sitting on the Sandaime's head.

"About a week." Grinned Naruto.

"Naruto, you are a sick man." Akamaru barked his agreement.

And apparently I am a devilish miscreant…BWUAHAHAHA! Insanity continue forth!


	10. Chapter 10

Yeah to assassins!

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo  
By Kaori

"Okay, we've done the controlling people with the doll thing, tested the Home Hypnosis Kit sample, tried out the love potion and the zombie powder, and put a curse on someone. Is there anything left?" Kiba was currently ticking off the uses of the Home Voodoo Kit.

"Well, there's raising the dead to do our bidding." Naruto said.

"I already said I'm not digging up anybody."

"Yeah, I know.Besides, I don't want to do anything that snake freak Orochimaru is into.So, I guess voodoo kit testing is now complete."

"Great, so now what do we do?"

"Now we get Sasuke. We're going to need a whole bunch of stuff and about six hours of preparation…"

The following day we find said Uchiha walking towards the weapon's shop to restock on kunai. Now, if Sasuke was the superstitious type he would have known that today was going to be a bad day. Arguably we could say he brought it on him self by getting out of the bed left foot first and then spilling salt all over the table at breakfast but everything else (the picture in the living room falling off the wall, the candle that was knocked over when he opened the door, Kakashi running across his path followed by the monster black cat and the crazy old woman…) could have just been Fate's way of telling him to "get the hell out of Dodge."

Unfortunately (for Sasuke) he is not the superstitious type and was therefore thoroughly unprepared for today. Then again, no amount of preparation would have made him ready for this …

We are now entering hell, Uzumaki and Inuzuka style. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the vehicle and try not to scream. Game on.

Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro were back in Konoha to deliver a scroll to the Hokage from the Acting Kazekage (well, actually Temari had the scroll; Gaara and Kankuro were the escorts). Temari was out of zombie powder anyway and was all too happy for an excuse to get some more so she could continue sneaking it into Kankuro's food and getting him into trouble. Kankuro, wanting a chance to repay Shino for breaking his puppet while Gaara (who organized this little trip in the first place) just wanted to beat the crap out of Kiba and Naruto again. All three had semi-evil glints in their eyes as they walked down the streets. Suddenly, Temari caught site of someone.

"Hey, isn't that the Uchiha kid over there?" Kankuro and Gaara turned to look, and indeed, Uchiha Sasuke was standing in front of a weapons shop debating whether or not to go in. Not in too much of a hurry to pummel anyone, the three walked over.

"Uchiha Sasuke." Gaara said calmly. Sasuke whirled around to face the trio and give them his usual cold greeting but the next thing he knew, he was glomped on to Temari and squeezing something rather round and soft.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Temari screamed and sent Sasuke flying through the air Keitaro style. "What the hell was he thinking!"

Sasuke was wondering that himself as he flew Air Temari over the village. "Hey, I can see my house from here." He thought inanely before smashing through the window of the Hokage Tower, barely missing the Hokage herself.

"THE HELL!" yelped Tsunade, ducking behind the desk in case it was the return of Jiraiya le Pew. When she dared to peek over the top of her desk she was knocked backwards and felt something nuzzling her breasts. She looked. "UCHIHA SASUKE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" And Sasuke was sent straight through the wall and sailing through the ionosphere once again.

Kiba and Naruto sat atop the Hokage monument again, watching Sasuke go flying through the air. The rest of the action they observed through a mirror they had cast a spell on so that it was like a Sasuke-vision (All Sasuke all the time!).

"You know, I almost feel sorry for him." Naruto commented, idly. "Almost."

"That's a pretty effective curse." Kiba said. "Every time he sees a woman he will have the uncontrollable urge to fondle their breasts." He paused as he saw Sasuke go sailing into the Forest of Death courtesy of his latest victim's husband. "Ooh…that was a good one…"

"Yeah, but Sasuke just might decide to stay in there and we can't have that." Naruto reached into his jacket and pulled out the Voodoo doll he'd dressed up to look like Sasuke. He'd even manage to get some of Sasuke's hair by hypnotising one of his fangirls and siccing her on the Uchiha. Whether or not hypnotising her was necessary is debateable.

Sauske was sitting in the Forest of Death feeling utterly frustrated and confused. He had no idea why he was molesting all these women (he knew perfectly well why they kept hitting him though) and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop himself. What the hell was happening? The answer to his question didn't come but suddenly he found himself walking out of the forest and back to the village proper. This in itself wouldn't be so unusual except that he wasn't in control of his own body. He could only watch helplessly as his body marched itself towards the village.

"Hey, let me have a turn!" Kiba whined.

"Eh?" blinked Naruto, before passing Kiba the voodoo Sasuke. "Knock yourself out." Kiba laughed evilly.

"How much longer before the curse wears off?"

"Another ten minutes."

"Gooood." Drawled Kiba as he made the Sasuke doll "walk."

Sasuke almost screamed in horror. His pride wouldn't allow him to scream so he settled for quietly whimpering as his feet marched him into bathhouse…and into the women's bath.

"And you call me a sick man?" Naruto commented. Kiba just laughed as they watched Sasuke fondle the girls in the bath.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TenTen. Smack! Sasuke got knocked into…

"EEEEEEEEEPPPP!" Hinata, who reflexively Jyuukened him towards…

"OH SASUKE-KUN!" Ino.

"INO-PIG! GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF SASUKE!" Sakura who wasn't being groped because Ino was hugging Sasuke to her chest and was refusing to let him go; frankly she sounded a bit disappointed. Ino stuck her tongue out at her rival.

"Nyeh, don't want to." And she pulled Sasuke closer.

The owner of the establishment, wondering what all the commotion was about, walked in and immediately grabbed Sasuke by the neck.

"What the hell are you doing in here!" she demanded, and then got very red in the face when Sasuke started squeezing her breasts. "YOU FILTHY PERVERT! DIE!" She attempted to drown the young Uchiha but Sakura and Ino restrained her long enough for the boy to make a run for it.

"Dang, I guess the curse wore off." Naruto sighed. "Ah well… I guess now is as good a time as any for phase two."

Sasuke ran and ran and when he thought he couldn't run anymore he shocked himself and kept running. Soon his body couldn't take the strain any longer and he collapsed in an undignified heap onto a bench. It was then that Naruto and Kiba approached him, both carrying sports bottles.

"Hey Sasuke you look like hell." Kiba said. Sasuke looked up at him, and glared.

"Shut up, Inuzuka." Growled Sasuke, hoarsely, he sat up and grabbed Naruto's sports bottle guzzling down the contents.

"Hey!" Naruto objected although in reality he wanted to grin like a maniac. Phase two : Get Sasuke to drink water laced with zombie powder, success. "That's mine you bastard!"

"Too bad do…Oh master what is your bidding?"

Shikamaru was on his way to take care of his parents' deer when he saw a rather unusual sight. There was a line of girls (all of which were from his graduating class or the class below) and all of them were giggling and blushing like crazy. "How troublesome…" Shikamaru muttered and would have gone on his way if he hadn't spotted Kiba walking down the line and taking money from them. "Okay what is going on here?"

Kiba, having spotted the lazy chounin gave a jaunty wave. "Hi Shikamaru, come to watch the show? I never thought you were a Sasuke fan, but we'll take your money anyway."

"I was just passing by." Snorted Shikamaru. "What's all of this about anyway?" Kiba just grinned at him.

"Stick around, since you're a friend I'll let you watch the show for free."

Now Shikamaru was curious so he hung around to see just what the dog-user was talking about. The line filed into a tent (Yondaime only knows where they found a tent… and he doesn't seem to want to tell me) and Shikamaru followed the girls in.

Apparently he wasn't the only person that had gotten curious as he saw Gai's team, Shino, and Jiraiya sitting in the crowd. He wondered what the sannin was doing there until he noticed the notebook; he sweatdropped. Damn dirty old man… Lights came up and illuminated a stage where Naruto was dressed in a kimono and waving a fan; the traditional heavy red curtain was behind him except this one had the Uchiha clan symbol on it (most likely the curtain was stolen from the abandoned Uchiha quarter)

"Ladies…oh and you dirty guys too… Welcome to the Cirque de Sasuke!"

"The what!" thought the guys and TenTen, the fangirls in the audience just cheered.

"Yes you heard me right, THE Uchiha Sasuke is here and he will perform for you. At the end of the show we will be having an auction and the winner gets a date with Sasuke!" Several screams of joy erupted from the audience. "And now…on with the show!" The fangirls clapped and screamed as the curtain rose, revealing Sasuke wearing quite possibly the most adorable dog costume you ever did see. The fangirls cooed, everyone else in the audience wondered what Sasuke had been smoking.

True to the name it was a circus as Sasuke did various things like jumping through flaming hoops, being Naruto's assistant (I refuse to say he was a sexy assistant) while the blonde did magic tricks, doing a fire-eating act, and finally ending with an interesting song and dance number that was accentuated with Sasuke performing various fire-type jutsus. Now the auction was in full swing and Neji was beginning to wonder if Kiba and Naruto were completely sane. Uchiha was going to murder them and feed their remains to Akamaru when he's no longer bewitched.

The fangirls were foaming at the mouth all of them wanting a piece of Sasuke and Naruto was hamming it up as an auctioneer.

"I have fifteen do I hear twenty? Twenty?"

"Twenty!" a girl sitting near Lee screamed.

"Twenty, twenty, twenty going once…"

"Twenty-five!" screamed another girl.

"Thirty!" challenged yet another.

"I have thirty? Do hear thirty-five? Thirty-five? No? Thirty going once…thirty going twice…"

"Fifty!" a voice near the back piped up. Everyone turned to see who had that kind of money to find…

"Hanabi!" Neji for the first time in his life, was openly shocked. Since when was Hanabi in the Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub?

"Er…okay…" Naruto blinked. "Fifty going once…fifty going twice…fifty going three ti…"

"STOP THIS DEGENERACY!"

"WHAT THE HELL!" everyone yelled.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" A mass of green and white came barrelling into the tent.

"GAI-SENSEI!" gasped Lee.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

Neji twitched and barely got the urge to Jyuuken the two of them into next week. As if things couldn't get any more confusing two ninjas in plain white coats came rushing in. One of them pointed at Gai.

"There he is! Get him!"

"Noooo! I just got out of there!" moaned Gai as a fight erupted between himself and the two orderlies from the rest home and everything just went straight to hell. There was a mad scramble for the stage as the fangirls surged foreward to molest Sasuke.

All the fighting brought the tent down on everyone's heads and during the fracas, Kiba and Naruto decided to take their money and run leaving Sasuke at the mercy of his fangirls (which in the long run is probably worse than whatever it was Naruto and Kiba had planned).

"Well, I suppose I'm satisfied." Naruto sighed as he pocketed his share of the money, Kiba had run off in the opposite direction. "And who knew Hanabi had a thing for Sasuke. Oh well, I've had my fun, I guess. Once that zombie powder wears off, Sasuke will have a hell of a time explaining himself."

"Zombie powder?" a familiar voice echoed. The boys turned around and there, standing in the road, was Sakura. "You drugged Sasuke-kun? Is that why he was acting so weird?" Her voice was a dangerous hiss as she spoke.

"Ah...Sakura-chan… nice whether we're having isn't it?"

"Yes, but I think it will be raining blood soon…"

"Sakura-chan…you're scaring me…"

"Good."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

Tsunade ended up hearing the whole story once the two deviants had been caught and interrogated. Kiba and Naruto ended up scrubbing all the toilets in Konoha with toothbrushes for three months, plus five months of nothing but D-Rank missions, and several ass-kickings from their victims (Gaara was the worst of the lot seeing as it was their fault that his sister got groped by Sasuke; surprisingly, nobody found out that Neji was part of the plot to institutionalise Gai). All Home Voodoo Kits and Hypnotism Kits in Konoha were burned and the sale of such things within the village was banned.

Things soon settled back to some semblance of normal but, who knows how long things will stay that way. After all, the world of the shinobi is full of surprises.

The End….or is it?


End file.
